the truth is hidden

i've got to get past this emotional funk.

i have to keep going.


i have to break.


i have to cry and just let it all out. i don't need you. but you need me.


why can't together, we just breathe.


things will get easier. but effort is seriously lacking. i want to lay here, inside my feelings. bathe in the memories. i don't want to lose them.

i want to remember.


if this life keeps going, i never want to forget.


i owe you so much. but my due will always be unpaid. you are my hero. my everything.






a whole year without you. i don't know how i'm making it.

and it didn't even occur to me until someone else said it.


am i that numbed now?

this is horrible.


i know what i need to do, but i just can't do it.


i need to learn no one will ever be there for me the way i'll be there for them.

and i need to learn the second they drop me, i'll never pick them back up.


my repetitive behavior needs to end. i need the breach. i need the sleep. i need the pain.


i need you to just leave before you take whats left of me. cause i don't see you staying. and i could never be the reason you gave something up.


my children mean everything.

i wish i could give it to them. and i hate that the only thing stopping me is myself.



such a life.

i took a quiz on facebook to see the initials of the person i'm going to marry.. . haha. ..

R.G
They're extremely bubbly and fun, but a little blonde sometimes. They may moan but if you push them they'll stop. They a very dainty and clumsy so you have to be careful around them.



apparently i'm marrying myself. >.

i'm done. i'm done. i'm done. i'm done.

hear it? is it ringing in your ears?

i'm so tired of falling for your. i'm so tired of running from you. i'm tired of convincing you to like me when i don't really want you at all.


and i'm tired of having all these.


i want just one. and i want just one to want me.


i don't want to run around. but i don't want to be stable.


i want it to make sense. perfect sense. i want the truth. even if you are a coward. i don't care.

i'm terrified to. that's half the thrill.

the demons, oh the demons. make them go away. give me one night of sleep.please. one night of peace.

do i even deserve that?

are the horrors true. am i haunting myself with memories of truth? or am i finally losing it beyond repair.


is this the end. have i done it? did i make it. did i survive.

are you proud. are you going to miss me.



i feel like i've failed you all.

i need more faith. or just strength. or both.

something has to shed the light into my mornings and give me the pull to be what i know i can vs what i am.


one day, not soon enough. this'll make sense later.

i think they're just the things to get you all worked up so you get hope and the only road hope takes you on is disappointment. yay.


p.s.

i fell through a glass table, yea.. that was fun.

or everything you need.


either way, this is a battle that is never meant to be won. you aren't supposed to accomplish life when you are young, that means its over. and no body wants the end. they want something better. whatever better may be.

the problem is when people say better is elsewhere. just because they are sick of looking at the same thing.

if you tilt your head sideways, you'll get a different view. it may not be better, but whose to blame for that?


negativity just follows everywhere. if you let it. and if you never see past, well, you never will.




you'll have that cloud, because you want it there. and you are hoping for someone to shoo it away. someone who will make you lift your head and remember why you are breathing.

i have no idea why it matters so much. but it does. no one wants solitude. something, is their someone, whether its a person or thing.
its bred within us.


and for some reason. we have chemicals in our body that trigger certain extra feelings. those special ones, that make you look differently at someone. because all you need is a push.


typically the push is never there. and you think you just can't do it alone. but you've been alone from the start. and you'll be alone in the end.

thats the glory.

its learning how to find who makes you whole. what makes you happy. how can you perserve it. how can you improve it?

what pulls you out of bed? drags you to get the days moving?

what makes you closer to death. whats worth every risk?



whats so wrong with what you have. if what you have is everything?

and when the curtain goes down. and they can't see your face.

are you still smiling? are you still standing in place?

have you taken your bow, even knowing its for the blind?

will ever ease the worry and stop your troubled mind?

can you walk to the dressing room, and take off the wig?

are you staring at the person, wondering what you did?

how did it come to this, long before you had a chance?

now is when you burn the past and learn how to dance.

not for the people who are only there when you shine.

but for the one who has never left you. the one inside.


cause love will see a way, in everything you do.

whether it be obvious, whether it play games.

nothing comes easy, you have to earn what you deserve.

whether it be life, or burning it to flames.

att, the only good thing you offer is fantastic songs for your commercials.

first it was sweet pea, and now coffee shop.

i <3 you. only for your music choice..

i want to be able to look at everyone and honestly tell them they don't care.

i want someone to drop everything and be there for me the way i would for them.

i want someone to ask me whats wrong just because i'm not smiling.

i want someone to not accept my response of okay.

i need someone to tell me he's gone. and for them to repeat it until i break.

i need to break.


i want someone who wants to be there for me.

i want someone that will let me cry with them.


i want to tell you that i'm not falling for you, i'm just insanely in love with how you make me feel.

i need that snap out of reality. i need to have support. i am not ready to be alone.


i want someone to see beyond my silence and just show up and sit with me in it.

i want anyone to just ask me if i'm okay and know that its okay when i lie.


i need everyone to understand i contradict myself. and its to save my ass. because i'm still terrified of being broken despite my current condition.


i need everyone to understand, i'm beyond sane. that i don't even know how i'm holding this up anymore. but i'm doing it because i'm afraid i'll lose whatever i have if i show the real me.

i want to lay in bed all day. i want someone to take nathan and let me just curl up with his onesie and cry.
i want someone to sit next to me while i'm crying on his onesie.


i want to be able to say this face to face. i want to be able to cry whenever i feel like it. i hate having to stop myself and shake the thought. i hate that i let myself get programmed to be that way.

from the begining i should have done more than just write out my feelings. i should've screamed them. and i should've never caved to make others happy.

i do feel the world owes me so much more than i have. but i'm not necessarily complaining about that.


i want friends.

i want to remember what it feels like to have a bad day and have someone bring me flowers. or hugs. or just a shoulder to lean on.


i want someone who doesn't take my silence for an answer. because they don't care if i don't want to talk. they know i'm aching for it. and i'm just terrified of reaching that point where i can no longer safely coil up in my fantasy land.


i need someone to take care of my emotions when i feel i can't. someone who, if they plan on breaking them, will help me fix them. someone who will catch me if i start falling.


i want more support. i want to talk to the people that were there from the begining and tell them how much i love them and how happy i am that they were there.


i wish no one forgot. and i wish i could go on like it never happened the way they are. and i wish i could know if they were holding it in like i am.


i want to remember forever. i am terrified of forgetting everything.



i need someone to tell me its not okay. and its always going to really really suck. for the rest of my life i will be missing something. but i'll find a way to move on with that.

someone tell me he'll be with me no matter how long he's gone.

the truth is. i don't know what reality really is. and i'm waiting on him to come home from the hospital. i don't think anyone can handle me talking about him, so i don't. i don't think anyone wants to hear about me missing him. so i keep it inside. and i don't think anyone will be there when i'm crying. so i never ask. and i don't think anyone will just try unless i say something, so i don't count on it.

and i hate those feelings. i thought i had pushed them away. i thought i was far enough away from that day that i had found a way around them. but all i did was build them up so when they smashed into me, it was something beyond repair.


i'm not asking for anything. i'm just saying the things i never could yet have repeated from day one.

its okay

you're going to read this. i hope. well, i'm pretty sure you've tabbed this now.

but i want to let you know that it's okay.


there is nothing wrong with being wrong. its okay to fuck up and admit it. its okay to not blame anyone else in the world.

there is only one person in the world to blame for what happened that night, seven months ago. and that's me. there was nothing stopping me from doing what i should've. but i didn't. and i'll blame myself forever. and that's okay.

just like there was nothing stopping you from doing what you should've.
the only thing i can question is if its what you really wanted. only you know. and you certainly never showed it. but i never really showed vinnie how much i wanted him around.

is the situation really the same?


all you had to do was take your inner feelings and express them. it was so hard for me. but i tried. i can say that. can you say that?


just look at what happened for me. breathe. don't get angry. close your eyes and relive it. relive leaving me alone for three weeks. relive coming to see me only once or twice a day.
why? why not more?
relive only bringing nathan for dinner time. relive getting angry at how much work he took.
relive lying to me.
why? what was the point?
relive telling her you loved her. that you thought you did. relive never telling me.
relive what you really spent your time at home doing, when you could've been with me and vincent.
how does it make you feel? why'd you continue doing it then?
relive never being honest about it. relive waiting on me to find out. then relive five months later, blaming me for it and calling me crazy.
relive all the broken promises. the ones that said you'd always try for me. relive the hope you gave and then shattered.
relive never being there when we needed it.
why'd you only take ten days? you could've had so much more time with us.
relive not being there that night. and relive not being there the moment i found out. relive being alone, and imagine not having me to hold on to when they said those words.
relive flying home alone. and knowing you had every chance to be with us.
relive telling everyone i couldn't hack it. and thats why i stayed back.
relive bring her back. again. and again. and again. and again. and relive telling me how awful you felt. and how horrible she is. and then relive telling her she's your everything.

relive the chances i gave. relive the months i've done it alone. relive the torture and torment you gave after it was over. relive screwing me out of everything i deserved.

then tell me how you can blame me. for anything.



i blame myself. but you can't blame me. its okay matt. you have every right to be angry. and every right to want to find a way out of this fault. i expect you to never be there, and to run back to the military, and to suck all those bad habits back.

but know, its not because of me. its because of you. and that's why i'm no longer at your side. i never really was. the picture was always a little smudged and blurry on that end, because you were always iffy about me.

so its okay. let me go. and don't move on from me. just focus on yourself and know, there is nothing wrong with that. you have to fix yourself before you can be happy. and its going to take a while.



nothing comes easy. nothing. it's all with its weight and time. you're going to get through it. and we're going to be happy. and everything will fall into where it belongs. okay?

i'm forgetting things. .


i've forgotten what its like to hold you. how you smelled. i can still hear you crying. i can hear your little noises you made, but they're slipping.

i'm crying every night again because i feel like i'm pregnant. i want to be pregnant again. i want to have you growing inside of me and i want to do this all over. better. right.

i want to keep you forever.


something isn't right.

theres no one i can talk to. i tell you everything though.



i see myself gaining weight, and i want that baby. but i only want it to be you.


i want to just curl up in bed for weeks. and hold onto you. i want to remember you. i miss you and am terrified of forgetting you forever. its not right.

there has to be a way to make it better. just better than it is now. i don't expect it to get 100% better.








i can't run, hide, pretend forever. but each time i say i'm done. i find myself doing it again. i don't know why. or who i'm afraid of letting them see i'm broken. its obvious no?
how could anyone think i have it together?
they must be really naive.

and if they are really that way. why do i keep them around?






i'm waiting for something instead of getting it myself. but i have no push. i've lost the road but i like the beaten path. i like the scrapes and the whispers. i like being in the shadows and the light shining elsewhere.


every now and then, once in a while, i find that break. and people see me for a second for what i really am. but they turn their back to me. so i run again.


if i could, i would take you with me. i know you are everywhere i am. but i still feel bound to your place. i still feel like when i'm there, you're with me. i don't want to lose that.


i still want to just start shoveling and hold you again. i still hope you're still alive. and that you'll wake up. and i'll have you again. or that all i have to do is go to the hospital and take you home.

people let me think that because they don't understand how to change or approach. and i understand that. i just wish someone could shake it out of me. i need someone to look at me and tell me he's gone. someone to just bring me out of this fantasy world.


vinnie is forever with me. always. he's apart of me forever. i know. i just want to find a way for us to move on. where i don't forget him. where i don't want to start over. where i just want to watch nathan grow up and know that vinnie is watching too.


cries for help suck when no one cares.

on april 6th i posted this blog on blogger. but certain people *cough* matt *cough* got offended so i'm moving it here.

why?

because i'm a fucking retard. yea. i get it.

you know whats cute, having a crush.
you know what sucks, ^ that .

yep.


there's something about that giddy feeling when you're around someone. you can't control, it embarrasses you in every way possible, and yet you live for it.

you blush at all the wrong moments, your stomach flops when they get close enough to kiss, and you fidget and stumble trying so hard not to look like a fool, that you look like a fool.

i don't know what my problem is.


i'd like nothing better than to get over that feeling and miss it so much rather than have it SURPRISE BUTTSECKS!!!one!1!!! and scare the shit out of me.

cause lets face it, when you get butterflies, its never a good sign. it means you can get hurt. and it always happens. always!


i over think the situation, so of course i'm judging everything and thinking they're not interested or i did something wrong, or i came on to strong, or i shouldn't have said that. it's just a disaster.

and each time. it's something different.

per say.

the first time, i said to much. i couldn't control it. everything was just blurting out and i was like shut up already!

the second time, i didn't care. i just wanted so much to get past the giddy feeling that everything was rushed and over done and then it was too late to not get hurt.

and now, the third time. i'm so terribly afraid that the baby steps i'm taking, i keep questioning. i keep wondering if i'm doing enough, or not enough. or should i do nothing at all?


i just need to breathe. and i need to just sigh. and i need to just let it happen. i'm terrified of leaving it in their court, cause if they do nothing, well then, assholes.
and if i keep doing things, i'll never know.


this stupid cycle. people try to say everyone's doing it. but that doesn't comfort me. it just means the rest of the world is stupid too.

right now, someone has a crush on someone else. and they're thinking about him/her. and they're wondering what he/she is doing. and they're sighing, and wishing that he/she's thinking about them too.


cause deep deep down. we're all hopeless romantics. of course in our own twisted fuck up ways. but we are. its nature. the art of mating and reproducing. even if mating never happens. our brains are programed before birth to find it and make like rabbits.

cute huh?

stupid knots in my stomach.

first, it was three months of struggling.
then, it was two months of waiting.
then, it was three months of everything.
then, it was seven months without you.
then, it's going to be five months of when i had you.
then, it's going to be another seven months of missing you.

a vicious cycle. i don't know how long i can last. i should've gotten help four months ago.

i miss you like nothing else.


and all i want is for you to come back to me at night and for us to curl up and fall asleep.


if i really wanted to ask for things. i'd ask that we went shopping together. that we ate dinner together (however it was made) and i'd ask that at the end of the day, before we curled up, you'd kiss me, and smile.


that's not much is it?
cause my heart keeps saying its possible. and the more my head says no way. you keep being you. and quite frankly, i've said it enough, but with the utmost honesty, i'd appreciate you stoping that.

we'd be much better off not liking eachother. and you'd be much better off not pretending you don't want to like me. and i'd be much better off not watching you lie to yourself.

since i've written about you.


but i'm really hurting again. it's not fair and it breaks my soul. everyone is getting pregnant, everyone is having their babies. and they're all adding on to their family.

that was me! that was us. we had it. everything. and in, now what i know, TWO HOURS! it was taken. and everything changed.

i try, very hard to just be happy for my family that has their babies. but i can't.

i really don't know if i can do this birthday. i don't know that i can watch a first birthday. i didn't even watch my sisters sons first birthday. i don't want the days to go on. and i think i'm sucking myself back into the nothingness to hide from it.

i think i'm starting to cover the fact that i'm afraid and hurt. i'm afraid to let people know i'm hurt.



i feel like to them, they're going to say that it's been long enough. and i shouldn't be hurting. and i'll get the same earfuls i've always gotten when i've gotten this way.

but the point is, it has been long enough. he can come home now k? its been seven months. i'll take him back now. thanks.




i don't want to go through with his first birthday. i don't want to tell people to bring him things. i don't want to go to a mothers day brunch with the family. i don't want to arrange his flowers that everyone has for him around his marker and bench.

i want to hold him. i want to get him his first cake. i want to watch him figure it out and then shove his face in it. i want to see him walking for the first time, and opening his presents. i want to put the bows on his head and make him look silly.




this isn't the way a childs first birthday is supposed to be. but for some reason it is.


so here i am. here we are. nearly a year after he was born, and doing this without him. not completely without him. but certainly not the way it was supposed to be.


i don't know the point of all this. i just, get this feeling whenever someone's family is getting what i had. and i know its completely irrational. and insanely childish and what have you. but it happens. and i can't control it.

i am happy for you guys. and i do love you dearly. and i do wish the best for your family. i'm just not ready yet. and i don't know when i will be.


i'm still not ready to go on to these parties. but i will, for nathan. he deserves his birthday. but mothers day. honestly. i really truely 100% do not want to go out with the family. i do not want to celebrate how everyone is such a wonderful mom. i don't want to sit there and rejoice over the kids we have.

i want to just be with vinnie. i want to go to him at 8:00 in the morning. because at 8:14am is when he was born. (2:14 german time) and i want to just be there. and remember him. and have a vinnie day. if you honestly want to be there. i will gladly take the company.

but i guess i just needed to vent a bit. and cry a little. i feel slightly better.

obsessed with this song. gah.

Does it hurt to hear me say
That I never really meant to stay
I left you right where I want you
Now there's nothin' left
And not a reason
There's nothin' left to believe in
When just one remains
I've sailed away

Such a foolish game
That we have been playin'
Now you got me right where you want me
I left you in the right
But you wouldn't let me take the fall
Now you've got me right where you want me

Now there's nothin' left
And that's the reason
There's not much left to believe in
If it's all just the same
I'll sail away
You pushed so hard
You have to know that
You might just get what you wanted
And when just one remains
I've sailed away

I found out on my own
Everything that I've been missin'
Now I've got you right where I want you
Now that we're apart
I see just who you are
You're always gonna be
The one to keep hatin'
Now I've got you right where I want you

Now there's nothin' left
And that's the reason
There's not much left to believe in
If it's all just the same
I'll sail away
You pushed so hard
You have to know that
You might just get what you wanted
And when just one remains
I've sailed away

I'm not one to hide my face behind the pain
It's not like me to beg you to stay
I'll just sail away

Now there's nothin' left
And that's the reason
There's not much left to believe in
If it's all the same
I'll sail away
You pushed so hard
You have to know that
You might just get what you wanted
And when just one remains
You know I've sailed away

And when just one remains
You know I've sailed away

Does it hurt to hear me say
That I never really meant to stay

98% of my posts have a 5 in the time.

of those 98%, 70% were at 50 something.


I always see 12:34, if i don't, i see 12:37.


not sure why.

and two. yes. that's my number. :)

so is crazy 13.



its fascinating how things stick to you. >.

lets just say some things.


first of all. i honest to god wanted to get back with him. i wanted everything we used to have. and i thought both of us were ready.
but i was wrong.

and i'm okay with that. because i gave that last try and i'm satisfied with that.

however, i'm not happy about how i can never seem to have a guy NOT liking me. i don't know why.
and they choose every level.

i just want to be single and just focus on me, but i can't. i don't know why. a guy comes around, and we start hanging out, and bam, he likes me. and unfortunately i like him.

i honestly try. i put the effort not to. and it just pisses me off more when it happens.


i don't want a relationship. but again, unfortunately, there is no way to bring "relationship" up to a guy without him freaking out. i hate that.

why is it soooo hard to comprehend that maybe, just maybe, i'm protecting myself.





seriously. all egocentric concededness aside, i'm not like any other girl.
guys get interested.





i pull a lot of cards to try to get them off. but that makes them more interested. MAYBE THAT'S IT!

maybe i should stop. cause maybe the whole thing is that when i finally let my guard down, and they stop showing interest, is because they only liked me when i wasn't into them. hrm.



well one of these days, i'll show people. i'll show them from the start who i am. and maybe they'll show me from the start they're into me. and it can be that awesome friendship and funness and just not worrying. cause i know that things are just going.

it'd be swell.

Out with the bad, in with the good. Hopefully it works that way, soon.

amidoinitrite?

i mean wasn't that what your status said because oh i don't know, i said i wasn't coming over but i just wanted to surprise you but instead you got all huffy and just "went to bed"?


and aren't you the one acting jealous when i'm out with other guys but as soon as i ask anything about where we stand, you get all closed up?

why are guys retarded?

is it not possible for a girl to just want to know? does it have to be because she wants the relationship and the committment?
can't it just be to know where the hell things stand?

its very possible that i want an open dating non committal status. just as it is very possible i want an actual relationship for a change.

WHY IS THAT SUCH A BIG DEAL?!

zomg. let's be immature and play avoid the question and bitch all night that you're tired. cause that solves everything.

what people need to realize, if you just simply answerred the question honestly, then there you go. as long as you're telling the truth, what the hell are you afraid of?


are you afraid of liking me? i don't know why. i don't understand a guy that has to have that single status but swear he likes a girl. (to only her)
whats the point.

if that is really the case, then why have such difficulty admitting it?

i have zero problem for honesty. i just have zero tolerance for getting fucked around with and being used.

even if you aren't purposefully doing it, but getting what you want and not letting me get what i want is using. granted of our feelings.

people, no wait, idiots, no wait, guys make things way to complicated.


so when a girl asks where you stand, think of it like this:

a) it took her way to long to as you because she was terrified of your immature responses
b) now she's hurt because you had to answer immaturely
c) now she's angry because you're making it a big deal
d) you spewing out nonsense trying to do damage control
e) she just wants the truth
f) she's probably debating between you and another guy
g) you just fucked up
h) and now you have zero complications thanks to your immaturity


woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
isn't it lovely. no really. -.-